When people find out that I play guitar and play video games, they immediately ask “So, what about Guitar Hero? You must love that game, right?” I want to punch little kids in the face when people assume this. When you put two things that you do together, it does not automatically mean that you enjoy them. Do you see women praising how much they love “Cooking Mama”? I’m writing this to give everyone a perspective of Guitar Hero through a guitar player’s eyes. Since the game makes you emulate us, might as well tell you how we look at you when you do so.

Now, before I go off and rant about what pisses me off when talking about “Guitar Hero,” let me start by saying that there are alot of things that it has done right. “Guitar Hero” has emphasized bringing fun back into the gaming market. When graphics and gore are the focus of gamers today, “Guitar Hero” decided to make a fun game, not an interactive movie. The developers took the basic principle of playing air guitar and threw rules with it. Now, instead of looking like a jackass flailing your arms about to your favorite rock tracks, you have something to show for your lack of musical talent.

Now that that’s out of my system, let me get to why this game pisses me off. I play a real guitar. That is the sole reason why I don’t play these games. I’m not trying to sound like an elitist, but I can learn these songs on a real six-string. I don’t want to relearn these songs just so I can watch a pixelated asshole perform these songs, when I, a real life asshole, can do it just as well. Practicing a song in real life is tedious sometimes. Why would I want to practice the same song again? Who can I show that off to? I can bring out my real guitar and play a suave love song for a lady and it seem awesome. If I plug in a game and say “Hey baby, listen to what track I’ve been practicing up here,” I sound like a virgin.

A major issue that infuriates me with “Guitar Hero” is not with the game itself, but the fans it generates. I’ve heard some of the most ignorant statements concerning the game and a real life guitar. A young guitar student of mine actually thought that playing “Guitar Hero” would make him better at guitar. Now, granted, this was an 8 year old kid. I don’t know what age you expect people to have common sense, but herein the South, we give people until the age of 35.Watching colors flying by in rhythm will only get you prepared for what you’ll see in your epileptic seizure. Sure, you move your fingers on some button sand make a picking motion, but the charts do nothing to train your body or ear correctly to correspond with the real instrument.

That leads me to something else I’ve heard that almost made me have a stroke in anger. Some people actually think that “Guitar Hero” is harder to play than actual guitar. I was tempted to spend $300 to take a trip to Arizona from North Carolina to go beat a man with the wireless Gibson controller when I heard this. Let’s look at the two instruments just in terms of pure math. The guitar controller has 5 frets and essentially 1 string. That’s 5 notes (5×1 for those who couldn’t get out of 2nd grade math). The guitar that I use has 24 frets and 6 strings. That’s 144 notes. That seems to be a substantially larger pool that you have to draw from. There’s also a matter of techniques. “Guitar Hero” players deal with alternate picking and hammer-ons. Guitar players have to deal with alternate picking, hammer-ons, pull-offs, slides, bends, pinched harmonics, natural harmonics, and a whole slew of stuff that I’m leaving out. That doesn’t include the issue of how to sound good as a guitar player. Ever play a solo in “Guitar Hero” and someone tell you that it needed more feeling?

Lastly, “Though the Fire and the Flames” is not a legendary guitar track that was created by gods! This song has gotten too much attention because of “Guitar Hero 3.” Yes, the song is fast. But stop looking at the damn screen! Listen to the track! The entire song is just Herman Li masturbating in your ear. There’s a difference between good song writing and self-satisfaction. You can make love with the guitar,or you can strap it down and force it to watch you high-five your dick for the next 5 minutes.

There is one other “I wanna’ look like I have talent”game out there. This game is “Rock Band.” As much frustration that “Guitar Hero” brings out of me, “Rock Band” does the exact opposite. Even though the two games work on exactly the same principle, “Rock Band”has a hidden game play element to it. It forces you to interact with other people. If you are playing with 4people, it almost feels like you’re in a real rock band. You have to assign your instruments, pick your venues, pick your songs, bitch at the guy who made you fail the song, tell him to fuck off when he says he’s going to quit, try to find a new bass player, and talk the guy into coming back by giving him a better deal.It’s like touring with 3 other douche bags, except there’s no cocaine included in the package.